Narrator: Well, there's no turning back now. There really is going to be a game between the Mud City Manglers and the Wossamotta U. Pigeons.
Rocky J. Squirrel: What's more, Bullwinkle is now our quarterback.
Bullwinkle J. Moose: And, what's more, these of the diagrams of the plays we're gonna play.
Boris Badenov: And, what's more, they're the wrong diagrams.
Narrator: Yes, Boris had switched diagrams, and the hapless moose was now going over a set of battle plans of the Civil War.
(a man in a tall cowboy hat appears)
Colonel Beauregard: Or, as we call it, the War Between the States.
Narrator: Now, wait a minute. Who are you?
Colonel Beauregard: Colonel Jefferson Beauregard Lee, suh.
Rocky: Yeah, but you're not part of our story.
Colonel Beauregard: No, I'm from the League of Confederate Correctors.
Bullwinkle: The League of Confederate Correctors?
Colonel Beauregard: Every time a program refers to the late unpleasantness as the Civil War...
Bullwinkle: ...you show up and correct him?
Colonel Beauregard: That's right, shug. We call it the War Between the States.
Rocky: Yeah, but...
Colonel Beauregard: I just can't abide the word "civil."
Narrator: Meanwhile, in the locker room of the Mud City Manglers...
Fearless Leader: Remember: If any of your opponents walks off the field under his own power, it means 20 lashes!
Mud City Manglers: (grunt angrily and loudly)
Fearless Leader: All right, men, and I used the term loosely, take the field!
Narrator: The teams lined up, and Wossamotta kicked to the Manglers.
(football sails into the sky and one of the Manglers catches it)
Narrator: Instantly, there was a huddle, and when it broke up, nobody appeared to have the ball.
Bullwinkle: Who are we supposed to tackle?
Rocky: Come on! Which of you girls has the ball?
Mangler 1: What do you think I am, a rat?
Bullwinkle: (to a passing Mangler) You got it, lady?
Narrator: And before the astonished crowd, the Manglers strolled innocently down the field past the baffled Wossamotta players. Then, as they reached the goal line, one of the scoundrels pulled the deflated ball from under his mini-blouse.
Mud City Manglers: TOUCHDOWN!
(The scoreboard adds 7 points to the Mud City Manglers)
Rocky and Bullwinkle: (shocked) Touchdown?!
(a Mangler appears next to Rocky and Bullwinkle)
Mangler 2: Any objections, wise guy?
Bullwinkle: Miss, I'll thank you to keep a civil tongue in your head!
(Colonel Beauregard suddenly appears again)
Colonel Beauregard: Ah ah ah! A War Between the States tongue.
Bullwinkle: (disdainfully) Oh, boy.
Rocky: Now, wait, Mr. Referee, did that really count six points?
Referee: Well, of course not, Rocky, it...
(a Mangler points a gun to the Referee's head)
Referee: Ooh! (laughs nervously) It counted seven points.
Narrator: Well, with the referee intimidated, the Manglers had it all their own way.
Bullwinkle: "Hut!"
(Rocky snaps the football to Bullwinkle)
Rocky: Pass it, Bullwinkle! Alley...
Bullwinkle: Oop!
(Bullwinkle throws a forward pass to Rocky, but a steamroller driven by two Manglers appears and Bullwinkle is forced to run from it. One of the Manglers shots a gun at the flying football, deflating it and causing it to fall flat on the ground next to the referee)
Referee: Incomplete! Incomplete!
Rocky: The pass?
Referee: The ball.
(two Manglers are waiting for the next play; one of them has a bomb in hand)
Cybill: (masculine voice) Are youse ready, Gertrude?
Gertrude: Let's have it, Cybill.
(Colonel Beauregard appears again)
Colonel Beauregard: Ah ah! War Between the...
Gertrude: I said Cybill! Not Civil!
Colonel Beauregard: Sorry, ma'am.
Bullwinkle: Play the game! Play the game!
Narrator: It was easier said than done.
Rocky: We're close enough to try a little field goal, Bullwinkle. Just kick it between the goalposts.
Bullwinkle: Right, Rock! "Hut!"
(The ball is snapped to Bullwinkle and he immediately kicks the ball)
Narrator: The kick looked good until two Manglers moved the goalposts.
Rocky: At this rate, we'll never win.
Bullwinkle: We'll be lucky to lose.
Narrator: But on the next play...
(Rocky and a Mangler crash into one another; Rocky sees a wig has fallen off. A "?" and then a "NO HAIR!" appear over Rocky's head)
Rocky: Bullwinkle, look at this!
Bullwinkle: Good heavens, Rock! You've scalped the scapback!
Rocky: Scalp nothing! This is a wig! Bullwinkle, they aren't girls at all!
Bullwinkle: Oh, darn.
Rocky: What's the matter?
Bullwinkle: I was gonna ask the halfback to the prom tonight.
Rocky: Well, anyway, it's our ball.
Bullwinkle: Yeah, but look at that defensive line!
Rocky: Hokey smoke! They've dug trenches!
Bullwinkle: And they've all got guns!
Rocky: Mr. Referee, how about calling a penalty?
Referee: Oh, I will, Rocky.
(The referee quickly blows the whistle)
Referee: Five yards against Wossamotta for delaying the game.
Rocky: (disapprovingly) Don't you have any courage?
Referee: Yes, but I've also got a wife and kiddies.
Narrator: And with the score seven to nothing, the hands of the clock crept closer to defeat for our boys and triumph for Boris Badenov. Don't miss our next episode: "Bullwinkle's Battle Plans" or "Civil Def..."
(Colonel Beauregard shows up in the middle of the second title and interrupts)
Colonel Beauregard: Ah ah ah! "War Between the States Defense."
Narrator: (disdainfully) That is not funny.
Colonel Beauregard: I know. I can't abide jokes, neither!